“When anger rises,
think of the consequences” - Confucius
The one activity that all of us do is Scolding.
We scold our children, our family
members and our subordinates.
Why do we scold ?
There
seem to be two reasons for our scolding.
The most
obvious answer is that the other person irritates us, and we react by scolding
- simply blowing off steam. But that is not the only reason.
We scold
because we want to drive a long-term change in the other person’s behaviour. Because
we want them to grow for their own sake. We argue that we are scolding for the
greater good, and that scolding is an effective way to create long-term
positive behavioural change.
But, is
scolding really an effective way to
drive long-term behavioural change in someone else?
The
downside of Scolding
How do we
feel when someone scolds us?
Scared, if
the other person has power.
Ashamed,
if the other person is respected.
Angry, if
the other person is wrong.
Hurt, if
the other person is right, and we really did cause them grief.
Embarrassed,
if there were other people who knew that we got scolded.
Do we feel
happy, motivated, or receptive? Not really!
Sometimes Scolding works
It is also
true that the behaviour may get modified as a result of scolding. We have had
the experience sometimes. So we know that scolding 'can' work (which is
probably why we keep on using this
tool).
But how
effective is it? How can we use it most effectively? And are there
circumstances in which it actually does not work, or makes things worse?
What are the effects when it does
not work?
1. Makes
them agree, but leaves a scar
They may have ended up changing in front
of us, because they were afraid of the ramifications of not changing.
More
worrisome is that they will not open up to us, as they will always be scared of
getting a scolding again. The wall between us will be frail the first time. But
for every scolding received, the wall becomes a little thicker and higher, and
probably between them and other people as well.
2. Makes them dig in or lie
A far worse result, and a far more
common one, is that the person on the receiving end of a scolding either digs in and
responds by continuing the bad behaviour to spite us.
Alternatively, sometimes they continue to
behave badly, but in our absence.
3.
Escalation or desensitization
Once we have scolded, we have taken out the big gun - and what do we do if it
does not modify their behaviour. We scold harder. And then what happens if
there is no change? We take out the belt or the bat. And then what ? The more the
scolding, the more hardened and resistant (or maybe just numb) a person gets.
So the result of scolding is an ever escalating chain of naughtier behaviour
followed by harsher punishment.
What is
really dangerous about this escalation or desensitization is that when we
really do need to scold, we have lost the punch because we have desensitized
the recipient by unnecessary minor scoldings.
4. It
only makes us unhappy
We never feel happy after scolding. We may keep up all night fuming post-scolding.
Worse yet, we may use someone else as a punching bag to let go of some of that
pent up upset due to scolding.
5. They
call our bluff
Scolding puts us in a risky position because the person may simply call our
bluff. At that point, we are left totally powerless. We can't really back up
our bark with a real bite.
What is
the alternative to scolding ?
It is
clear that scolding has serious limitations as a tool for behaviour
modification.
But is
there anything better?
Back in
the 70’s, there were these killer whale trainers at Sea World in San Diego. These
were the men and women who taught the whales to jump through hoops, splash the
audience on command, and launch swimmers into the air from their noses.
The
trainers needed to train these animals to dramatically change their natural
behaviours. But they couldn’t really scold the killer whales when they did not
perform. They did not want to make their students feel angry, ashamed, hurt, or
anything else negative at all.
So what
did they try?
They
tried positive reinforcement instead of negative reinforcement. They decided to
generously praise and reward the good behaviour, and neutrally discourage bad
behaviour. This then, is the key.
- Generously praise and reward
good behaviour
- Neutrally discourage bad
behaviour
How should we generously praise and reward good behaviour?
It is
simple. When we see someone doing something right, we should acknowledge and praise.
How should we neutrally discourage bad behaviour?
It is a
matter of patience.
The first
thing that needs to change is that we need to be laser focused on bad
behaviour. We need to spot it instantly and react just as fast. However,
instead of reacting negatively, we need to react fairly dispassionately, but
clearly. “I don’t think this is the right thing to do and here is why.” I’d prefer if you stopped. In some cases, we need to do that in a quiet and
controlled environment if the behaviour is really out of control. We
should get out of the context, into a
quiet room, and let the intensity run its course. Then talk. The same is true
in the workplace. De-escalate the situation, move to a new environment, shift
into neutral.
The
second change is that we need to be persistent and consistent. Persistence and
consistency is the key. We should not react one time to bad behaviour and then
let it slide by without note 6 more times. No city, was built in a day. That
means we need to be neutrally responding to bad behaviour for quite some time –
maybe even months or years.
When
should we use Scolding ?
We pull
out the scolding tool too frequently. There are times to use it. It can be used
to address 1) life-threatening behaviour and 2) truly anti-social or illegal
behaviour. In those cases, the seriousness of the situation calls for a crisp,
clear verbal slap and, if we have not already desensitized the person by too
much scolding, it will have the impact it deserves.
Finally,
we are not at all perfect all the time.
Sometimes, we are just too tired to do
the right thing. We should take a breath, and give ourself a break. Remind ourself
of our real aims or find a good friend who can watch us and remind us. We
should apologize as soon as we realise
what happened. And get back to our decided plan of action.
