Does Scolding work?

“When anger rises, think of the consequences” - Confucius

The one activity that all of us do is Scolding.

We scold our children, our family members and our subordinates.

Why do we scold ?

There seem to be two reasons for our scolding.

The most obvious answer is that the other person irritates us, and we react by scolding - simply blowing off steam. But that is not the only reason.

We scold because we want to drive a long-term change in the other person’s behaviour. Because we want them to grow for their own sake. We argue that we are scolding for the greater good, and that scolding is an effective way to create long-term positive behavioural change.

But, is scolding really an effective way to drive long-term behavioural change in someone else? 

The downside of Scolding
How do we feel when someone scolds us?

Scared, if the other person has power.

Ashamed, if the other person is respected.

Angry, if the other person is wrong.

Hurt, if the other person is right, and we really did cause them grief.

Embarrassed, if there were other people who knew that we got scolded.

Do we feel happy, motivated, or receptive? Not really!

Sometimes Scolding works

It is also true that the behaviour may get modified as a result of scolding. We have had the experience sometimes. So we know that scolding 'can' work (which is probably why we keep on  using this tool).

But how effective is it? How can we use it most effectively? And are there circumstances in which it actually does not work, or makes things worse? 

What are the effects when it does not work?

1. Makes them agree, but leaves a scar
 They may have ended up changing in front of us, because they were afraid of the ramifications of not changing.

More worrisome is that they will not open up to us, as they will always be scared of getting a scolding again. The wall between us will be frail the first time. But for every scolding received, the wall becomes a little thicker and higher, and probably between them and other people as well. 

  2. Makes them dig in or lie
 A far worse result, and a far more common one, is that the person on the receiving          end of a scolding either digs in and responds by continuing the bad behaviour to spite us.

 Alternatively, sometimes they continue to behave badly, but in our absence. 

3. Escalation or desensitization
Once we have scolded, we have taken out the big gun - and what do we do if it does not modify their behaviour. We scold harder. And then what happens if there is no change? We take out the belt or the bat. And then what ? The more the scolding, the more hardened and resistant (or maybe just numb) a person gets. So the result of scolding is an ever escalating chain of naughtier behaviour followed by harsher punishment.

What is really dangerous about this escalation or desensitization is that when we really do need to scold, we have lost the punch because we have desensitized the recipient by unnecessary minor scoldings. 

4. It only makes us unhappy
We never feel happy after scolding. We may keep up all night fuming post-scolding. Worse yet, we may use someone else as a punching bag to let go of some of that pent up upset due to scolding. 

5. They call our bluff
Scolding puts us in a risky position because the person may simply call our bluff. At that point, we are left totally powerless. We can't really back up our bark with a real bite. 

What is the alternative to scolding ?

It is clear that scolding has serious limitations as a tool for behaviour modification.

But is there anything better?

Back in the 70’s, there were these killer whale trainers at Sea World in San Diego. These were the men and women who taught the whales to jump through hoops, splash the audience on command, and launch swimmers into the air from their noses.

The trainers needed to train these animals to dramatically change their natural behaviours. But they couldn’t really scold the killer whales when they did not perform. They did not want to make their students feel angry, ashamed, hurt, or anything else negative at all.

So what did they try?

They tried positive reinforcement instead of negative reinforcement. They decided to generously praise and reward the good behaviour, and neutrally discourage bad behaviour. This then, is the key.

• Generously praise and reward good behaviour
• Neutrally discourage bad behaviour

How should we generously praise and reward good behaviour?

It is simple. When we see someone doing something right, we should  acknowledge and praise.

How should we  neutrally discourage bad behaviour?

It is a matter of patience.

The first thing that needs to change is that we need to be laser focused on bad behaviour. We need to spot it instantly and react just as fast. However, instead of reacting negatively, we need to react fairly dispassionately, but clearly. “I don’t think this is the right thing to do and here is why.” I’d prefer if you stopped. In some cases, we need to do that in a quiet and controlled environment if the behaviour is really out of control. We should  get out of the context, into a quiet room, and let the intensity run its course. Then talk. The same is true in the workplace. De-escalate the situation, move to a new environment, shift into neutral.

The second change is that we need to be persistent and consistent. Persistence and consistency is the key. We should not react one time to bad behaviour and then let it slide by without note 6 more times. No city, was built in a day. That means we need to be neutrally responding to bad behaviour for quite some time – maybe even months or years. 

When should we use Scolding ?

We pull out the scolding tool too frequently. There are times to use it. It can be used to address 1) life-threatening behaviour and 2) truly anti-social or illegal behaviour. In those cases, the seriousness of the situation calls for a crisp, clear verbal slap and, if we have not already desensitized the person by too much scolding, it will have the impact it deserves.

Finally, we are not at all perfect all the time. 

Sometimes, we are just too tired to do the right thing. We should take a breath, and give ourself a break. Remind ourself of our real aims or find a good friend who can watch us and remind us. We should  apologize as soon as we realise what happened. And get back to our decided plan of action.